Guess who's back!!

I was a social media sceptic for the longest time and stayed away from it for as long as I could. Then I left home, and was forced to join Facebook so that I could keep in touch with friends back home. I kept my activity to the bare minimum…not because I was a voyeur but because I was painfully shy. I was also scared of people and feared opening up to a large audience. Besides, I felt that lots of people out there were far more “facebookworthy” than I (better looking, funnier and smarter) and wanted to give them the stage.

I have always enjoyed writing and being the nerd that I am, I looked forward to essay writing in an English exam and report writing during my MBA. I had often toyed with the idea of writing a blog, but then I would read the mind-blowing blogs of others and give up altogether. Besides, my fear of putting myself out there and being judged by others overpowered any fleeting temptations I had, and life continued as it was.

Then things started changing. I befriended some really amazing people over the last few years, and also, due to some maturity and wisdom (hopefully!), developed strong bonds with acquaintances and long lost friends back home. I slowly started realising that people weren’t all that scary after all. So, when I was overwhelmed with excitement or sheer boredom, I started putting up fb statuses. And surprise, surprise…the sky didn’t open up and swallow me!

In the meanwhile, I got a fracture and had to spend a lot of time resting. It coincided with several personal and professional blows and I needed to do something that would keep me sane. I started writing blog posts and saved them in a desktop folder but never created a blog.

One fine day, I read each of them. I realised that they weren’t just posts. They were reflections of my childhood and teens, observations of mundane things in my present, and sometimes, dreams about my future. But more than anything, they were me….nerdy, weird, moody, over emotional…but still as honest as I could be. And that’s when it hit me…why be scared of being myself? This realisation took the form of my blog.

Through my blog, I wanted the people I loved and cared for to know me better. I have always been socially challenged-I never pick up/return phone calls, reply to messages when I feel like and need to be dragged out of my house to meet up. Often, I disappear for months, if not years, without reason, leaving my friends hurt and worried. This blog was my way of telling all of them that I really did care deeply for them. That I did think about them often and cherished the times I spent with them.

As I started putting up posts, something wonderful started happening. I started overcoming my problems because I had something to look forward to. My mind got diverted in my quest for new inspirations and ideas. I rambled more often than not, my grammar would have caused the Grammar Nazis to put me into prison and my writing was not remotely close to the blogs I followed, but it didn’t matter. Friends who read my blog were enjoying it (or they are damn good liars!). I reconnected with old, long lost friends and got closer to acquaintances who reached out to me with words of encouragement. On a few occasions, rank strangers messaged me to tell me that they related to my posts. I was more at peace than I had been for a long time.

And then I wrote a very honest and heartfelt post…to vent my pain and to help those who were going through something similar. Unfortunately, the reaction to that post from some quarters was harsh and killed my fledgling confidence. Deeply scarred, I not only deleted the blog but also deactivated facebook. I just wanted silence and isolation. The reactions of those close to me ranged from dismayed to disappointed…But I had made up my mind.

   

For close to a month, I stayed away. However, my mind kept going back to my blog. From small observations in my day to day life to huge events, inspiration and ideas kept finding me. I wasn’t at peace and needed to do something about it…and the result is what you are reading right now.

A big, big thank you to those that reached out to me when I deleted my blog. It was the vote of confidence that I needed more than anything at that stage, and helped me get back onto my feet again. I now promise…  I will never do this again. I promise to be myself, even if I come across as uncool, weird, immature or over-senti. Because life is too short to be someone else or to hold back on something that gives you happiness and peace.