I have been in a very reflective mood lately and one of the
things I have been thinking about the most is my education. I was a good
student and while that may seem like a good thing, it actually is one of the
biggest regrets of my life. When I look back at my school days, I can’t recall
friendships, pranks, crushes or boyfriends with the same depth as I can the exams, scheduled tests
or results. I never learnt to celebrate a 29/30 in a Sanskrit exam-I only knew how
to sulk about not getting full marks. I never learnt how to be a gracious loser
and clap for the person who beat me in tests….I only felt a wave of jealousy and
humiliation at being beaten. I never realized that in life, what matters is humility in victory and grace in defeat…but God has his own plans and it took
me years of insecurity, competitiveness and personal, academic and professional
failures to make peace with the fact that one can’t and shouldn’t always be
first. Sometimes, being first makes you win the battle, but lose the war.
I wish I had let go of this competitive attitude at least
during my college years…but old habits die hard. Today when I look back at my
college years, I regret not hanging out in the canteen after classes were over,
or not participating in more inter-collegiate events. What I regret the most
however, is not learning how to deal with failure or rejection. I never let
guys I liked know that I liked them because failure wasn’t an option in my
life. This stupid mantra in my academic life spilled over to my personal life
as well and the cost was huge..probably
something I am paying for even today.
The mania to succeed became even more ridiculous with every
passing year and degree. It didn’t help that I chose degrees that required a grueling
spirit-The CA degree for example. Even today, years after that torture is over,
I feel pangs of sympathy and pain in May and November, the two months when
thousands of innocent kids sit down to write those exams. I feel even more
sympathy for those who write the exams under the pressures that Professors/CA
Parents/their study circle enforces on them-“clear on first attempt”, “get a
rank”, “get marks so that you get into the Big 4”…seriously? Ask any one ten
years into their qualification if these truly matter. I know for a fact that I was
one who succumbed to these fanciful notions and they got me no where. If
anything, I wish I had studied to learn accounting and taxation rather than to
get marks. That would have stood me in better stead.
And as if CA wasn’t enough to test my patience, I also
decided to take the CAT one year. Good lord, that made CA seem like fun. Not
because of the academic part, but just because of the ruthless competitiveness
of the entrance exam. The way one’s self worth was determined Sunday after Sunday
with mock CATS. The way one felt like a complete idiot if one couldn’t solve a
question on probability. The way CAT professors treated their “not so smart” students
like second class citizens and split them into batches depending on their
aptitude level and then only gave respect to the ones who were scoring 95+
percentiles in Mock CATS. The experience scarred me so much that in spite of
cracking the CAT, I decided I never wanted to do an MBA in a CAT scored B-School
because it would ruin my self esteem and take away whatever little human
emotion I was left with.
I know my rant so far makes it seem like I hate these
degrees and the education system-I wish to clarify that I don’t. This very education system has produced extremely successful corporate honchos, so there must be something
that I am missing. The only reason I write about all this is because I wish to
voice a heart felt plea.
Don’t let your education, grades or qualifications determine
your self esteem or your life course. I now know tons of highly successful
people with very “mediocre” education.
In the big scheme of things, it doesn’t matter if you took multiple
attempts to clear your CA final or if you got 60 marks in Economics in TYBCom
or a 34 percentile in a Mock CAT. What
matters is the friendships you made and the relationships you fostered. What
matters is that you tried out all sorts of things…perhaps you succeeded,
perhaps you failed..as long as you learned from the experience. What matters is
how self aware and secure you are, what your value system is, what your
motivations are….those are the things that will determine your success, in both,
your personal and professional life.
We have only one shot at life, only one childhood and one
teenage life. Don’t squander it away in the quest for marks and grades. By all
means, give your academics your hundred percent..but because you want to learn
and grow and satisfy your intellectual curiosity. Never be afraid to fail,
personally or professionally because when you look back, it will be those
failures that have made you a better person. Live your life fully, doing things you love
with people you love, and do things for the right reason..else you will be
writing a similar post, filled with regret on your blog someday.
